The Dating Forum

[leonardo91]

I have a hard time understanding ladies, it just seems like they never know what they want. They have unreasonable expectations of their partners, they are oblivious to the plight of men.

Anyway, this is a dating site and not a therapy session so letsmeet ladies, you can whatsapp me on 0799983906. I'm 23 by the way

[peterm]

[Love me Tender]

Oh come now! Don't tar all ladies with the same brush!! I was married to an abuser for 17 years, and I walked out. I never looked back and you can be damn sure next time I won't marry a man of the same ilk!!

[peterm]

[Love me Tender]

It took 17 years, because I was abused not only physically, emotionally, economically, you name it. I finally left with nothing, but I now have my self confidence back and am able to move on....that's why I am here....to make new friends....

[peterm]

[Love me Tender]

Apology accepted....you are right. He did apologise and made promises how many times, until I became hard and refused to listen anymore. The only good thing that came out of my marriage was my kids..

[peterm]

[Phenomenal1]

Gents don't be so hard on us. We, at the end of the day, are human beings just like you are and none of us were born smart, we had to learn things along the way....make a few wrong choices learn the lessons of life and move forward. Some take longer to learn these lessons than most however that doesn't matter because the lesson has been learnt and will be put to good use. I am a 34 year old single mother and have learnt that the biggest mistake some women make is not understanding the difference between expectations and standards. Standards is what we set for ourselves to live by and achieve while expectations is what we set for others to live by and achieve to become a part of our lives.....that does sound strange. I mean ladies why do we do this to ourselves, what exactly are we trying to prove because we cannot tell another person how to live their lives yet we believe we can however the key in not setting any expectations while, in the process, maintaining the standards you've set for yourself. I've now resided to just wait, listen, no expectations set and take it from there. I more or less know when a man is bull-shitting me so I leave everything in his hands after telling him exactly what I want and I maintain, what he does with the information after that is totally up to him.

I got really sick and tired of hearing "women don't know what they want"....well gents sorry to burst your bubble but there are a lot of us that do....you'll be surprised. I sat and spoke to a guy one day, obviously one that was interested in me. We spoke about a whole lot of things including relationships and what I wanted. I highlighted that I didn't want a man however I needed a life partner (there's a difference between wanting and needing something). I answered his question with perfect clarity, he understood what I was saying and hasn't questioned it since because I made it clear that I know what I need in that part of my life and it's not going to change and if you can't give it to me, tell me no hard feelings because you really can't dislike someone if they don't want/need the same things as you do. Telling him that made it clear what my standards were without setting any of these high expectations that gets us sitting in front of the tv with a tub of ice-cream wallowing in self-pity "because he didn't like me". We hugged and decided to stay friends because he wasn't ready for what I needed. Point being, don't set any expectations of anyone just strongly maintain your standards and you will be fine.l

[Love me Tender]

Thank you for that. Well said!

[Phenomenal1]

Guys please don't think that we attacking you but we are seriously tired of hearing that we don't know what we want especially when the truth of the matter is that it is more ingrained (as in generic) in you to not know what you want compared to us. At least with us our experiences help us to confirm what we need and what we want and eventually we live by it we breath it and it doesn't change. A man today will want one thing and then later on want something (or someone) else. The truth is that women are more tolerant, patient beings as we are built to accept man with his faults and love him still however we can only be tolerant to a certain level and once we know when you've crossed that boundary, there is no turning back.

Point being gents is it really women that don't know what they want or are you just using us to hide your own guilt?

[bobsledgeman]

This discussion is a social landmine. And I'm going to step on it now, but I feel that there is something I would like to add to the discussion. I happen to have some academic exposure as well as practical exposure to domestic violence (use to be a reservist in the SAPS). In sociology, especially feminism, this subject, about what the modern woman wants, think she wants, or needs, is a LEEEENGHTY discussion, and I would not bore you with it. What I do wan to do, is send a message to the ladies and gents(Yes, men also get abused, and more often than they would like to admin).

One of the practical tools that made the most sense to me w.r.t. an abusive relationship is one that Dr. Harville Hendrix proposed. Imago. It to some extent explains why we humans sometimes choose to be abused, and what happens inside us that we stop to choose it. Some members here managed to do that, and trust me when I say, that is huge. I would like to congratulate those who have managed to break free from that abuse, and have found the courage inside them to better their lives. To those who are still suffering from this, or who keep finding themselves in these situations, please.... read about Imago, it just might help you understand why you, and your partner, do these things.

Remember, we are all humans full of faults, but one thing that is perfect about us, is that we can change.

[peterm]