The Dating Forum

[nontuthuko]

Hello,

Can I ask a question please, it's nothing personal, just a question that has been crossing my mind.

With some of us ladies and gents searching for mates, at times there's certain things that we may have to disclose to new found partners, especially if the intention of partaking in a relationship is more of a long term than a little experience when one knows that his/she's just passing by.

Is it better to communicate sensitive matters in early stages of relating, so you avoid investing and getting attached only to be rejected when there's already a bond? Or it's better to wait until there's a bond of some kind so your partner doesn't 'judge' you as he/she would have now that he/she knows you better?

Thank you for sharing your view on this!

[nontuthuko]

Thanks giving for time taken in writing back!

I'm in agreement with you about honesty and transparency in early stages of a relationship. One will most probably be at ease knowing that you don't have secrets that may affect the relationship negatively. Though there's fragile states of a new relationship that just got started to be considered. trust is earned and it develops with time. Being open enough will always be inspired by how one feels when you're with your partner. At times you click in early days, yet it still possible to connect over time. There's plenty of little things that can sabotage and compromise a new couple a long term even if that was the ultimate intention from both. Suppose it boils down to what God said about love being patient.

Please kindly allow me to take this a little deeper so I can give an idea of what I'm referring to about sensitive subjects to be communicated and their impact on a new relationship.

* A guy communicating to a new lady that his battling to overcome after efforts of a 'bad upbringing' that was influenced by his father beating his mother. He grew up that being a norm since it's what his been exposed to until recently, when his now tought about the harmful effects mentally, emotionally and physically if one has been raised from such an environment, let alone if you've been abused.

* Another example would be: A lady who has been sexually abused long before you came forth. She claims to be over that experience and ready to move forth, but isn't sure if she can be intimate without having former memories running through her mind taking her back to what happened.

* One last would be: Someone of any gender between the two, communicating your unwillingness to get married, though willing to commit. Unwillingness to have children even if you can afford to have them. You grew up being a tool your parents used to hurt one another. As if fighting for your custody wasn't enough when they broke up, you were always a victim of their endless fights until you were grown up and independent for your well being.

There's plenty examples to share with you Spiritualmale, but the above 3are enough to give an idea of what I'm referring to. Just pushing your buttons a little further, do you still think it's advisable to disclose sooner? Remember both parties involved are still trying to find your foot around this new fragile thing going on here.

Apologies for getting personal with you dear. It's only a conversation about issues we might just find ourselves having to deal with since we're searching for our mates.

[Dee84]

Hi,

If I may... I have personal experience with this in that I'm a single mom looking for a partner. my issue is that I can't have any more children, it's not impossible but it will only happen with a clinical procedure which is costly. Being 31, it's abnormal not to be able to after having kids.

This makes it difficult because I don't want to feel that I'm trapping a future partner in a relationship that won't bring forth at least a child.

I met several possible mates over the course of a couple of years since my divorce. What I have done is disclose this as soon as I feel that we might get close. It has probably cost me a fairly good match or two but I also feel that if it was meant to be, it would have been.

[nontuthuko]

@SpiritualMale

“I am open to learning your point of view.”

Can't help it but to keep discovering that God is a centre of love and life itself. Daily experiences keep on referring me to His word for guidance and light. With this said, I by no means, mean to turn this discussion into a bible session, it's just that my opinion on this is inspired by His word, which makes perfect sense as I think about it. He is love. How can we possibly have a discussion about love without Him in the centre of that conversation? Answers are on His word. Let's go back to the basics cause we've tried our ways several times and we've failed as many times as we tried. We even lost wonderful partners along the years, partners who were suitable mates, but cause steps that were taken in pursuing a relationship were wrong, we didn't succeed.

“4, Love is patient” This sentence alone is loaded with answers that we need. We don't wanna invest time in developing and nurturing love. Without pursuing this first step, nothing is going to fall into place. We're all about love at first sight, which is possible though still needs the necessary attention and nurturing that you would have given love that developed over time.

“6, Love does not rejoice in inequity, but rejoices in the truth.” If we claim that our love is real and genuine, then why would truth destroy the relationship if one decides to communicate something? I can go on and on but to summarise my view, I think we just need to go back to the basics, take things easy and slowly. Have patience and tolerance and above all, have God's principles in the centre. I can't think of anyone else who can educate us better about love and issues of life but Him.

[nontuthuko]

Hello Dee and much appreciation for sharing your experience with me. Hope I won't deviate from the subject but your reply has opened a door to almost another discussion of it's own kind.

“I met several possible mates over the course of a couple of years since my divorce. What I have done is disclose this as soon as I feel that we might get close. It has probably cost me a fairly good match or two but I also feel that if it was meant to be, it would have been.”

It is a question of things meant to be or it's willingness required from the two, to make things work? I've been asking myself this question for a while now. There's couples that I've 'disapproved' in my mind, looking at their personality clutch and how they didn't reflect or complement each other. They actually the ones' that lasted. Maybe being happy or not it's completely a different subject for another discussion. Yet there were many couples that seemed to have got it together, but didn't make it.

Is it really a question of being meant to be or willingness to make it work?

[nontuthuko]

“This makes it difficult because I don't want to feel that I'm trapping a future partner in a relationship that won't bring forth at least a child.”

I understand what you're communicating. Though a child can still be a threat in a relationship that's not well established. Can even open a whole of cheating cause now more attention is on a child. I'm not condoning cheating though children have a great impact on relationships, can either be in a positive or negative way. Your reply can start a conversation of it's own, revolving on how children affect relationships, even in marriages.

Thank you once more for sharing, referring to your personal encounters!

[eskarina]

Disclosing too much too soon can be a bit overwhelming but keeping too many secrets is also not good. So it is kind of complicated. Think it is best to try and determine what is important to the other and clear things up related to that. If a man clearly wants children not being able to give him any should definitely not be kept as a surprise for later.