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Love me Tender
Joined: 07 Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Location: Cape Town
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 Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay, so here is mu two cents worth......having been married to a man who was cheating and lying to e for 17 years....I can answer that question. Honesty is hardly ever heard....and that is what I truly wanted my ex to tell me...$just admit it! But Ii think we are too afraid of the devil we know......you know the saying....better the devil ytou know, than the devil you don't. I stayed in that relationshoip for way too long, because I chose to believe all the bullshit he told me.....you're stupid, you're ugly, no one will ever want you.....and yes, I am glad I divorced him, even though I got nothing except my freedom. So what I want from a relationship is communication. Number one, vital. And honesty, yes. And the ability to listen with empathy. Is that a tall order???? |
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Love me Tender
Joined: 07 Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Location: Cape Town
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| Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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| You're right......I stayed because he made me think I deserved to be abused and I provoked him. But I mainly stayed for the sake of my children. My son still not talking to me (he's 15), my daughter speaks to me on Whatsapp....and I see her sometimes.(She's 16). Its been hard, but I keep telling myself I deserve better. Thanks for listening |
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Love me Tender
Joined: 07 Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Location: Cape Town
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| Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:49 pm Post subject: |
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| To answer your question: for me it is the knowledge that he is there for me no matter what, and the knowledge that no matter what I do he will still love me. All women want to be appreciated and told they are wonderful.... Isn't that true of men as well?? |
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Love me Tender
Joined: 07 Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Location: Cape Town
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| Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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| That's true.....no sense in upsetting the apple cart before you know for sure what the guy is like......and. To be honest if he really loves you those things won't matter. We women need to stand up. Amd say no more.... |
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Love me Tender
Joined: 07 Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Location: Cape Town
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| Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2015 9:11 pm Post subject: |
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| That's right......I cannot understand how people can say I love you with the speed of light....even without meeting you in person.....omw! And forget about asking for nude pics! I get so tired of men asking me:'how big are your boobs?'. $y answer:"k they are bigger than your IQ!" |
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peterm
Joined: 15 Jul 2014
Posts: 260
Location: Pietermaritzburg
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| Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 12:46 am Post subject: |
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| Tangela wrote: | | Our mr peterm is back. Check out is comment on superfical people. |
I thought I had answered this one before. We are what our ancestors are and we want what they wanted becasue it is in our DNA. Therefore both sexes have preselection criteria of what the ideal mate is. Think of cave man days and you will begin to see why each of these is important to SURVIVAL of the species.
Woman. Status because the higher the status the better the protection and chances of offspring survival. IE the village leader, the leader of the pack as the highest in those times.
Protection and security
Strength and physique. That's not a muscle bound guy but tall and well proportioned. Good provider/hunter
Presentation How he dresses and grooms himself.
Guys. Child bearing ability becasue is a guys job to impregnate as many as possible and he looks for woman who are best able to bear children.
Hip to waist ratio, breasts
Stature, physique Well proportioned and tall
It takes a guy seconds to figure if he want to sleep with a woman as it is almost entirely visual. A woman has a considerably more difficult task and has dozens of tests and much digging to do which is why they like honesty so as not to be fooled. Why does a guy not read your profile 
For online dating that photo is you and the only thing anyone can see of you. Best make it a good pic.
Now find me a woman's or guy's profile that expresses just one of those things. What woman are really looking for? The best they will tell you is no chemistry. Well I have given you the CHEMISTRY and it will not help anyone. There is a lot more to it than that.
I have not looked at guys profiles but woman's profiles have a common theme, honesty, faithfulness, kind, non-violent and bring the guy who fits that perfectly and good chances are they will say no chemistry, the guy is a woes, nerd, geek....
And the reason woman choose violent guys, "the bully" is becasue they think at the time that violence is protection and strength as well as status because others look up in fear. They balance the violence they see by some perceived kindliness/goodness and excuse it. You cannot balance attitudes and emotional states, violence is going to end up on you. A crappy nature is a crappy nature move on and that goes in spades for the guys as well, woman are not all perfect by any means. |
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peterm
Joined: 15 Jul 2014
Posts: 260
Location: Pietermaritzburg
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| Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2015 10:45 am Post subject: |
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| YoungBachelor wrote: | | You are most welcome to invade my space Tangela. |
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peterm
Joined: 15 Jul 2014
Posts: 260
Location: Pietermaritzburg
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| Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Tangela wrote: | | I have found that the sound of a guys voice was appealling to me and his eyes. (The way they look at you) |
Do you not notice the guys clothes how they fit, fashionable or not, hair looks good, unkept, untidy... shoes, suitable, scruffy, not appropriate... how he walks, who and where he looks at and a bunch of other stuff. Jewellery, body art.... Next time you are out take notes you may surprise yourself
When you see a nice looking guy what do you say to your friend with you? What made him nice? |
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peterm
Joined: 15 Jul 2014
Posts: 260
Location: Pietermaritzburg
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| Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 10:45 am Post subject: |
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| Tangela wrote: | | I don't look at his clothes etc sorry. If I am with a friend I will say look at his eyes. Never have I said look at that shirt or look at his pants. Yes look at chest or arms but that doesn't mean I like him. |
Um OK if you say so but if you look at anything like that it is an assessment. Who said anything about like the guy?
You maybe the only female in the world that does not look at a guys clothes or how he is dressed.
So when a guy with nice eyes and voice approaches you why do you send him on his way? What decides that? |
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peterm
Joined: 15 Jul 2014
Posts: 260
Location: Pietermaritzburg
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| Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 12:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Tangela wrote: | | You seem to think that all woman are superifical and they go for guys with good clothes and nice cars. You are very wrong. And if a guy came up to me.you either get that feeling or not (potential connection). It doesn't matter that he has everything you find attractive in a guy |
Dear Tangela you have no idea what I think and I'll thank you not to do my thinking for me. Besides you are completely wrong.
In a number of posts I have mentioned what woman call chemistry why would I suddenly be confused now? Yes clothes and appearance are part of it. I would have put as tasteful not flashy and I would not have mentioned cars at all unless the guy approached in one. That dirty, tatty, uncared for wreck is not going to help in the least. I made no mention of ostentatious and you have me mixed up with some common perception of guys silly beliefs.
It does matter that he has everything you find attractive and "that feeling" is the indicator of that. DNA selection process over which you have no control.
The thread here was to find what woman first find attractive in a guy. What are they really looking for.
Now guys have some very common misconceptions, the same as woman have of what they think attracts the opposite sex. You mentioned flashy cars that is one of them, lots of money is another.
So when a guy approaches by the time he gets to you you have already sized him up to a point where you will take further interest or not. So what does it take to size up a guy before he says one word because the first test is what does he say or do. Will you know the colour and type of shoe and a dozen other small details? |
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peterm
Joined: 15 Jul 2014
Posts: 260
Location: Pietermaritzburg
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| Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2015 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Tangela wrote: | | This kind of stuff happens all over and we as women we hope it does get better. And yes you were right. Been there got the scars to prove it and all the necessary things that needed to be done. But at the end of the day I want to be able to meet a good guy he doesn't need to be perfect just honest and someone I can love and in turn the same from his part. But I do believe that sometimes we feel that we cannot be total honest in our profiles but we try to be as honest as possible. There are certain things that once you and the other person have clicked then you guys can talk about personal things |
I wonder how many times woman do meet the perfect guy and then reject that with the no chemistry thing? That they like guys only take a superficial interest and the profile and what they found really meant nothing.
If one asked was he appreciative and treated you with respect and well.
Was the conversation good?
Did you enjoy the company?
Was he honest?
Was he well mannered?
When all of these come up yes and the we did not "click" gets thrown into the mix we know this guy failed the DNA test. Not suitable to raise my children with.... And the guy who passes the DNA test is what they have just escaped from.
Has anyone noticed how many woman and men will remarry the same type of person. For example alcoholics... violent abusive....
Out of interest how many of the girls just clicked with their husband/lover/? at the first meeting? |
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peterm
Joined: 15 Jul 2014
Posts: 260
Location: Pietermaritzburg
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| Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2015 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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| Tangela wrote: | | I did with this guy I met. Strange enough he wasn't someone I would have even given a chance. |
Many thanks for sharing that. I think it was a brave step and good for you for trying.
If you don't mind it does raise some questions. How did is it working out? Why would you not normally have given him a chance? What test/criteria did he not pass? I think that is the most interesting to guys and you should think about this as well. How important is it really?
It's funny the more we find out about each other we see how silly many of our preconceived ideas are just so wrong.
And no I am not trying to fit anyone into some box of category, what difference show are preferences we have noticed. Some may call them fetishes ie shoes, legs, hair.... When a woman says clothes don't matter what she means is thee is more important stuff because she is not going to date a tramp. So at some point clothes do matter. It may even be something like body art or piercings...
It would also not be nice if we make assumptions about each other in discussing this. It is an emotional subject so lets try not to be negative about what is said.
As a guy I can say my first assessment of any woman is totally visual and woman know this subconsciously which is why they get dressed up to go out. So looking at a profile is secondary and something I am only likely to do if I like what I see. What I can say is it fits perfectly with our survival instinct in male evaluation for child bearing. It boils down to a sexual preference and ability to raise ones child. Sorry you cannot change DNA. |
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peterm
Joined: 15 Jul 2014
Posts: 260
Location: Pietermaritzburg
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| Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2015 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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| zariah wrote: | | Interesting topic and comments,I think to each his own,Tangela you attracted by a man's warm eyes,and that's good,that's your preference hun,for me appearance is HUGE,I'm very particular when it comes to that,I'm just the type who loves to look good,smell good,feel good,and I expect the same from the man I date,I'm terms of weight,I definitely will not date a man who's tummy hangs to his knees,HELL NO,there's no excuse for any man/woman to be so over-weight,we all say looks don't matter,but yes it does,to a certain extent,we all say money does matter,but come on who are we fooling,let's be totally honest guys,I have a successful event coodinating,decor and catering co,I meet people from all walks of life daily,I certainly will not date a guy who can't do more than I can do for myself,and that's the Goddamn truth,once again I will repeat,TO EACH HIS OWN!!!!!! |
Well this is really interesting but let me be bold appearances are important for you in your work environment as well and that seems to fit your preferences well. I'm still going to say the best dressed guy in the world could be standing looking at you and have a good chance of being rejected. In fact you have already rejected dozens of them  so that is not all there is to it.
Sorry for digging but normally we don't really think of these things, they just happen on a feeling or instinct, subconsciously. Only when we look back and try to figure it out do we have some chance of recognising what it was.
Yes we are individually specific what chaos it would be if we all liked exactly the same thing. Thank goodness for that but have you noticed how a singer or movie star has millions of admirers who would jump at the chance... Toss their panties on the stage with a phone number. What is that? |
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peterm
Joined: 15 Jul 2014
Posts: 260
Location: Pietermaritzburg
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| Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2015 12:18 pm Post subject: |
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| YoungBachelor wrote: | Hahahaha... i work in the entertainment industry. Work and has worked with the biggest stars in the South African music industry and let me tell you, that is the reason i'm on a bloody dating site.
The girls you meet there literary throw them self at you, but as soon as they realize that you are actually just as normal as her previous boyfriend that worked as a motor mechanic (ok maybe a little bit more exciting), they move on to the next.
Appearance do play a vital role when it comes to attraction.
But after being on this site for almost a month now i realized, that looking on here is just as unsuccessful.
Either i don't fit someone's criteria or they don't fit mine...
So back to the "groupies" i guess. Hahaha |
You do realise you are looking for a "diamond". I use that term loosely because diamonds are pretty common, expensive due to marketing but very common.
Maybe you need to review this situation and I cannot believe all the woman you meet are shallow gold diggers chasing fame and fortune thinking it is status. Nor does that apply to the woman on this site.
So lets assume you date somebody you meet through work, so what difference does that make? If she is interested enough to date you then you have your foot in the door so to speak. A chance many of the guys here would give much for. Do you appreciate it for what it is? A chance to get to know somebody who may turn out to be the one. How will you find that out unless you are willing to make the effort to see her as interesting, having ideas, dreams, ambitions, needs and desires, what she thinks. Drop the attitude about groupies and be a lot more positive about finding somebody.
If you are sufficiently interested to take her out at least make the effort to find out more about her.
Cast offs accepted 7 days a week. |
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peterm
Joined: 15 Jul 2014
Posts: 260
Location: Pietermaritzburg
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| Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2015 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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| YoungBachelor wrote: | You're actually completely wrong. Are you in the entertainment industry?
Do you meet girls that expect you to pay for every single thing every time you see them?
Do they expect you to take them out every night for parties and pay for her and her friends?
I mean why not? We make tons of money right... Hahaha...
That's what the girls/woman expect when they meet you at a show. So wouldn't you be put off completely as well even before you actually go on the first "date"? Especially when they get pissed at you because you don't want to go party tonight or don't want to pay for her and her friends to go out or movie or what the hell ever?
Then to start with the girls i met on here so far. 4 of the 7 iv'e met on here asked me for airtime or data! I mean are you f@#&n serious?
The other 3.. Well they stopped responding after the first msg.
So i'm sorry i lost faith in woman today. Do you blame me?
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No I don't blame you at all but you know failure is there to teach us something and it is not there to throw bricks at. These woman are testing you it is a game to them.
Next time give them your best smile and say my dear I have a much better idea lets go have a quite drink so I can get to know you, you buy me a coffee. Take her hand, touch her shoulder or offer your arm and lead her away. Don't hang on to the hand.
If she is still there with you 10seconds later make sure you do not lose control again but ask for her opinion and do what you said you wanted to do. Anything involving spending large amounts of money is not on. A gaggle of friends is out. You do not owe them anything for going out with you. You are a great guy and it is equal terms or the highway. Do not get bullied or suckered into paying for them. You are not their piggy bank.
You need to stop being a sucker for them to milk and pay for their good times.
And promise if I met such a girl the first thing you do is rock her boat of happiness. Some smart remark like what lovely earrings, my grandmother has a pair just like that. You really do things with those shoes they were so now 10 years ago. Bags are good as well as are hairdo's if nothing else works. You need to change her mind set of seeing you as inferior and a sucker. She needs to earn your respect and your company. |
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